Have you heard of the Green Mile? It’s a fabulous Stephen King movie in which the characters call the hallway leading towards the death chamber the green mile because of the green floor tiles. I’ve thought about that hallway many times this last month.
It started with an abnormal blood test in August. I had gone in for dizzy spells and headaches – like all good doctors, they promptly hooked me up to the EKG which resulted in “everything looks good so let’s take some blood.” A couple of days later, my phone rings and my breath catches when I see it’s the doctor office. In this technological age…a phone call is usually bad news. Yep – the tests showed some “abnormalities.”
“But no worries – just come back in a month and we’ll retest,” said the chirpy nurse.
Seriously? Just chill and wait a month? I don’t know about you, but when I get a call saying there are “abnormalities,” I’m all over the Google. I want to know what, how, when, where, and what to do. How do we fix this?
So after googling “my issue”, deciding I’d live, I could only wait.
Then there was Harvey and then there was a mission trip to Uganda – both providing plenty of distraction.
But then the time came for a new round of testing – and much to my dismay, the tests came back abnormal again.
So… next steps were to make an appointment with a rheumatologist.
Rheumatologist – Rheuma-tol-ogist.
Even just saying the word freaked me out. And of course, that small voice of panic in my amygdala was telling me that now I’m dying for sure.
Fun (not fun) fact: When you think of the amygdala, think of one word. Fear. The amygdala is the reason we are afraid of things outside our control. And mine was/is lit up. Read More
A whole new round of testing – ahem – concurrent with my boss’s announcement that he’s retiring. It’s one thing to have your boss retire – it’s a whole other thing to have your Pastor/Boss retire. In addition to wondering about the job side of things, there is the unknown about the church side – it’s all comingled. But I’ve said that good-bye and moving on.
And walking into the rheumatologist’s (a delightful woman named Dr. Chimata) building, I felt like I was on that green mile. Walking from before to after. I’d done enough of my own research to know death was unlikely. But anything happening in her office isn’t “good.”
It seems my immune system has gone rogue.
And here’s the truth. I’m totally pissed off.
Me? I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. My biggest dietary vice is chips and queso and hot tamale candy. I have an active yoga practice and I meditate most days. Like on the floor in an easy seated position meditation.
And I’m the one with an autoimmune condition?
And I mad about being mad. Because I know there are worse things to have going on in the body. I KNOW all this and I keep trying to dismiss my anger – but y’all – I’m pissed. I don’t want rogue immune cells 😡 – and I feel absolutely powerless. And I want to throw a temper tantrum.
And do you want to know what the top three natural remedies for autoimmune issues? Yoga, meditation, and a paleo diet. There’s not even anything new I can try to implement to fix this. There’s no cure and no fix.
And all these feels feel so permanent – like I’ll feel this way forever.
And I’m so over feeling out of control and pushing back the panic. But my feelings seem to have gone rogue as well. I’m having a hard time reeling this one in. And it’s not because I don’t trust God – I just don’t want this. Where do I get a new assignment?
Why share? Because I know someone reading this entry has either experienced this challenge or maybe also feels so over not having any control. There’s just something so sweet and reassuring in hearing “me too.” Reach out to me – I’d love to chat.
Thanks for following this 31 (ahem 20 something) day challenge. It didn’t quite go the way I thought it would and proved much harder than I anticipated…but it’s done and again, thank you.
Until next time,
Miss a day? Read more “The Crazy Things We Do”