Today I wrapped up the quality of love in my studies and this morning I watched the Beth Moore Living Beyond Yourself Session 3 video and it focused on rejection. Beth focused primarily on profound rejections – broken marriages, family dysfunction, broken friendships etc. During the lesson I felt very blessed, because really, for the most part, I’ve not experienced a lot of rejection in my life. Sure, some friendships have fallen away, but in the grand scheme of things I am loved and cherished. What a wonderful realization!
Now…let me tell you what else I discerned during the lesson as I prayed for God to reveal to me what I needed to take away from the lesson…
Trevor is leaving me this year. Evan is not far behind.
While it’s not “rejection” per se, they’re still leaving me.
And I’m really sad.
Now, I ‘know’ this is the natural order of things. This is what grown children do. And really, I don’t want them living with me forever.
So why then am I so sad? Why does it feel akin to rejection? Like I’m being left?
I don’t have any pat answers
…only my reflection and thoughts as they relate to the love quality of the fruit.
- I LOVE my children – duh. I think most moms will relate with me on this point.
- I LIKE my children…seriously, they are awesome kids and I’m blessed to really enjoy their company. We laugh, we talk, we trust each other. We’re Team Matthews.
- I LOVE being a mom – it has been one of the greatest joys and privileges of my life.
- Being a mom has brought me closer to God…ha ha, especially the teenage years. But seriously…if I love my children as much as I do…how much MORE does God love me?
- I’m SCARED…as this chapter is preparing to close, what does God have for me next? I have loved these boys sacrificially for the better part of the past two decades. Perhaps a time to love others sacrificially? A time to really enjoy my marriage and grow closer to my spouse? New missions or ministry? I simply don’t know.
Here’s what I do know TODAY:
- TODAY, my children still live with me…ENJOY every single day! From the mundane to the exciting. Through the challenges and joys. Enjoy and cherish every moment.
- ENJOY this senior year with Trevor…it’s great stuff! Don’t miss it in my grief.
- Stay focused and ABIDE in God – stay aware I’m vulnerable because I’m scared. Do NOT fill my soul with “things, busyness, distractions” but rather with God.
- I MUST stay open, vulnerable, willing, warm, full of love…it’s what’s commanded of me. It’s what’s necessary to be an active disciple of the Kingdom.
- Finally, remember back when…when I was afraid of impending motherhood…I had no idea what was in store for me and could never have imagined the joy the season would bring me…trust Him with what’s next.
Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Phil 2:12-13